100 Points to Hufflepuff
by AwfulLawful
Summary: Points I have awarded my RP friend for being so incredibly patient with me. My POSTED stories tend to make sense. The stuff I write for fun? Not so much. I awarded these points to Hufflepuff because that is the House she is in on Pottermore. This pleathora of mischief and mayhem is likely due to my being a Slytherin.


100 POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF

OR

Points I have awarded my RP friend for being so damned patient with me. My POSTED stories tend to make sense. The stuff I write for fun? Not so much. I awarded these points to Hufflepuff because that is the House she is in on Pottermore. Everyone feel free to use these as ideas.

1. There is no such thing as a roving band of Viking House-Elves, and even if there was they wouldn't wear the flags of their many deceased swashbuckling enemies.

2. Even if I am playing Voldemort accurately in absolutely every other way; I cannot limit my inner caste to perpetually inebriated Scots in order to keep spies from understanding our conversations.

3. Even if my co-writer eventually accepts that certain places in Hogwarts have randomly-generated layouts every time we visit them, they still cannot be modelled after Legend of Zelda temples.

4. 'Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness' is not a communicable disease in the Wizarding World.

5. Nor is 'Fate Displacement'.

6. No broom in existence will breach the sound barrier, with or without a passenger.

7. I cannot portray Voldemort as Guru from Dragonball Z Abridged. ("SNAAAAAAAAAAAPE!")

8. There is no potion in existence that must be injected intravenously at above 180 degrees Fahrenheit to be effective, nor may I invent one.

9. If at any point I begin to recreate Axis Powers Hetalia conversations, even with background characters that have no relevance to the plot, the story ends immediately.

10. On an entirely related note to the above; I am prohibited from playing Russian characters indefinitely.

11. Thestral leather is not an acceptable clothing material.

12. There is no such thing as Cockney Parseltongue.

13. When challenged to do something evil, Voldemort cannot respond by covering Henry Winkler (or any similar-sounding OC) in bees.

14. I may have a green and orange Venomous Tiger in my Care of Magical Creatures class, but it cannot suffer from fits of extreme cowardice.

15. When allowed access to any wish-granting artifact or being; I cannot wish my co-writer would learn better spelling and grammar.

16. Or German.

17. Time travel is prohibited outside of precisely what occurred in cannon.

18. There is an upper limit on the number of Dungeons and Dragons spells I can use before I am held to a level and spellcount for them, even if the Harry Potter mythos doesn't operate by those rules.

19. If the spell I am casting has a damage radius that exceeds the distance it will fly from my wand before detonating, I should really warn my Second to back up before I cast it and not _duck behind him_.

20. No matter how subtle and irrelevant it is, Harry Potter cannot battle Shendu in the Triwizard Tournament.

21. If I would not drive at my current level of sobriety then I shouldn't RP either. Maintaining linguistic coherence does not mean I will maintain plot coherence too.

22. I will absolutely not brag about my ability to type and spell better while drunk than my co-writer can sober.

23. Dementors are not Mozoku and cannot be defeated by Heroic Speeches.

24. My luggage is not made of Sapient Pearwood.

25. It doesn't matter if her robes are typically green; we did not just lose McGonagall in the woods due to unintentional camouflage.

26. Tranquilizer guns are NOT standard issue in Wizardkind schools no matter how many werewolves there are in the woods next to it. The fact that I possess this level of common sense does not mean they do.

27. The Aurors do not award points to those who capture their prisoners in the most interesting and original ways.

28. If my proposed plot starts to sound suspiciously like an episode of Sailor Moon, Inu Yasha, or Rurouni Kenshin I'd better have a damned good reason for it.

29. When Professor Snape demands Harry Potter say 'something intelligent', he does not mean verbatim.

30. Despite the fact that I am under no circumstances allowed to mention DC or MARVEL, I am still not allowed to complain when she does it with DOCTOR WHO. This is not negotiable.

31. No part of the Wizarding World plays Brockian Ultra-Cricket, Kancho, or Calvinball professionally or recreationally.

32. There is no Wizarding equivalent to the Darwin Awards. No, I may not write one.

33. If I very slowly describe the setting of my story to avoid suspicion and eventually am forced to admit we're in Trolla, I lose all right to first post for a month.

34. Casting healing spells on undead creatures does not hurt them in the Harry Potter universe because it would be too convenient for me.

35. I may not write nightmares in detail ever again.

36. When I get tired of playing Vampires and refuse to allow them in the story, I may not complain when my co-writer plays a character that is precisely a vampire in every aspect but the actual blood-sucking bit.

37. No act of Merlin, Dumbledore, or ANY God will save my character if they recite anything even close to the Darkwing Duck Speech.

38. If there is a magic school in Sweden, it is not exempt from wars or protected by an Impenetrable Neutrality Barrier.

39. Hogwarts cannot avoid Ministry interference by declaring itself a Micronation.

40. Uttering 'Chupathingy' in Care of Magical Creatures will earn me a massive deduction of House Points, even if my current OC is based on Zach Varmitech and has been using '-thingy' as an animal suffix all day with no previous repercussions.

41. I cannot have a character based on Link from Legend of Zelda unless I promise he will actually use words and not try to communicate in sound effects and yells from the games.

42. If my storyline ultimately culminates with Harry Potter at a level where he is capable of summoning volcanoes, tornadoes, or a swarm of locusts, I need to evaluate how we got there _and not do it again_.

43. When asked the name of my fictional private investigator, it cannot be 'Carmen Sandiego', even if the Unspeakables won't know who that is.

44. If I spend two paragraphs ruthlessly parodying a fanfiction in which the characters clearly did not understand the difference between POISON and VENOM and the different ways both must be treated, only to discover that my co-writer doesn't know the difference either; I will not demand we stop the RP for an in-depth lesson on biotoxins.

45. Hogwarrts is weird enough already; I cannot have a character based off of Nekozawa from Ouran.

46. The Sword of Gryffindor does not grant 'Sight Beyond Sight' or send up the Gryffindor equivalent of a Bat signal to summon allies.

47. Death Eaters do not move their heads up and down as they speak like the guys from Red VS Blue, even if I restrict that to 'only when the masks are on'.

48. Magically induced rifts in the time-space continuum cannot be closed by playing Spheda from Dark Chronicles/Dark Cloud II, and that is also NOT how Wizards invented Golf. Hogwarts being in Scotland doesn't help my argument in the slightest.

49. My Witch cannot have a wand that makes her Wizard friends feel like theirs are inadequate.

50. Yes, snakes do 'smell' by tasting the air. Yes, some people are likely to smell better than others. That being said it is still in poor taste for a snake Animagus or Naga to categorize prospective dates in a list of '32 Flavors'.

51. Goblins to not react to Puffskein the same way Klingons react to Tribbles.

52. No matter how skilled my character is at altering the very fabric of reality I still can't use it to physically untie the knots in the plot.

53. I cannot base a character off of Mozenrath, David Xanatos, or the Riddler for the express reason that it would be too difficult to upstage him.

54. I cannot base a character off of Jareth. Just because. Stop asking.

55. The fact that Snape created a cartoonish body-shaped hole during his escape from the Great Hall in cannon ONCE does not mean it will happen again. Ever.

56. When asked under Veritaserum 'and your inner child is…?' I must reply with an _age_, not a state of mind, phobia, neurosis, or rank of otherworldly being either celestial or fallen.

57. Dumbledore's manipulative tactics in no way means that he had access to MUNCHKIN Manuals at any point in his lifetime and I must stop playing him as if he did.

58. Despite how freely it was used as a medicine in the past, Wizardkind do not persist in treating ANYTHING with mercury in modern times.

59. No amount of heroism, derring-do, fate, or sacrifice will excuse Harry Potter from accidentally trampling Smurf Village in the Forbidden Forest.

60. Even if several militaries do it for real I cannot chase Death Eaters out of hiding by blasting Spice Girls music at them.

61. Becoming the Master of Death did not give Harry potter Ghost Powers like Danny Phantom.

62. Or the ability to see Octarine and speak to Death.

63. No, being Ambidextrous does not mean I get two wands, even if I successfully argue that I'm a Chimera and genetically two people as well.

64. Any package delivered to Hogwarts with the word ACME on it will be Vanished without being opened.

65. If it is discovered that I have been sneakily placing WALDO in the background description of every scene I get to write, I'm in serious trouble.

66. No matter how likely he is to do it or who I am playing I cannot bet Dumbledore that he can't say the word 'meow' ten times in the opening speech.

67. Even if what my character is doing is overall a very good thing, I lose credence as a Gryffindor if the action is purely motivated by spite.

68. There are no Kappas in the lake, so I'd better have a good excuse for stealing 500 cucumbers.

69. If at any time my character winds up with more than two arms they are prohibited from having intimate relationships unless it is 'off-screen'.

70. No matter how effective it might be as an interrogation tactic I cannot teach the D. A. to hang people upside down and "show them a new game called 'piñata'."

71. Togenkyo Springs does not actually exist in the Harry Potter mythos, even if the magic required for them to exist does.

72. While the concept of House-Elves being a subspecies of a higher being from another dimension with extreme magical abilities, short stature, squeaky voices, an utter disregard for gravity, and a penchant for over-dressing themselves is magically, physically, and culturally possible; they are not Lesser Trollans.

73. The fact that making a Horcrux sounds eerily similar to "synaptic pattern displacement" or Katra, I still cannot ask for a Star Trek crossover.

74. I cannot dress for the purpose of sending Aposematic signals to my enemies, _especially_ if it involves body glitter.

75. Veela do not serenade potential mates with 'a screaming, high-pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks'.

76. No matter how mad Professor Snape may be it is entirely unfair of him to demand Hermione write her next essay without using the letter 'e', especially if the subject is 'Elixirs'.

77. While taking off his glasses and fixing his hair might help Harry avoid the press temporarily, I cannot refer to it as 'Bizzarro Clark Kenting'.

78. Ron is not afraid of 'spee-iders'.

79. When challenged to a speed-casting contest, I cannot retroactively inform the opposition that my Muggle-Born's father is an Auctioneer, thus granting me the ability to cast with the rapidity of a woodpecker.

80. At no point may Voldemort turn to his closest lackey and ask, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

81. Centaurs do not swear using pseudo-profanity from The Pirates of Dark Water.

82. After Voldemort's death Harry Potter's new purpose in life cannot be Taxidermy.

83. When playing the virgin sacrifice I will be appropriately grateful that I was rescued and not immediately berate the Golden Trio for interrupting a ritual it took me years of careful preparation to qualify for on a voluntary basis, the _bastards_.

84. A 'Warning Shot' means miss _completely_, not 'try to destroy less than 50% of your target'.

85. If Voldemort's first words after his new body is made sound even remotely like Mumm-Ra's transformation speech I have lost the right to play him for 24 hours.

86. Before I attempt to open the puzzle-box Dumbledore left me in his Will by smashing it with a hammer, I must remember that he had an interesting sense of humor and consider actually trying to solve the puzzle first.

87. The Wizarding World's version of the Wicca movement cannot be Surak's principles.

88. Pokemon references automatically earn me a deduction of House Points, Wizards and Witches do not gain spells by level, and despite its plausible accuracy in story; Harry Potter's first attacks were not Counter and Mirror Coat.

89. No matter what popular culture or anime says; not all twins are identical. Especially if they are not the same gender.

90. I am prohibited from designing heraldry until my co-writer is given the time to actually look up the meaning of the symbols I plan to use in both traditional sources and dream interpretation sources.

91. Voldemort has neither the skills nor the voice to perform a Disney-Style Villain Song.

92. Cannot spontaneously turn the RP into a musical.

93. Even though it happened to Superman and is a fact of the collective human psyche; Harry Potter is not to be hailed as the next messiah and become the unwitting deity of a cult in California.

94. I will not ruin my co-writer's carefully constructed dramatic captured-by-the-enemy scene by using things we have on hand to create a simple block and tackle arrangement to lift the cell door off its hinges and escape in less than ten minutes. Or, as she puts it, "STOP MACGYVERING DAMN IT!"

95. There are no 'Super' levels of anything in the Wizarding World, and nobody's hair turns yellow at any level of elevated power.

96. My character cannot be in love with a Merfolk and simultaneously unable to swim.

97. I cannot suggest a plan that involves relying on a Traditional Pure-Blood to understand how Evolution works.

98. There is no such thing as an Instant Karma or Laser-Guided Karma Curse, and if there were the Malfoys have already proven their natural immunity in cannon.

99. Never, ever, _ever_ allow a Potions Master to tend bar.

100. When prompted to RP the Harry Potter universe with 'one small change to the world that has a butterfly effect on the storyline' my choice cannot be to either increase or decrease humanity's standard biological gender possibilities.


End file.
